I’ve got some game when it comes to shopping. And I am also good at returns, but that is ground which has been amply covered in this space.
When I say I am a good shopper, I don’t mean so much that I can tell a good buy on broccoli from a bad buy (but in fact, I do) as I mean that I am a good shopper in the execution of the act of shopping.
Some members of our species are challenged by fierce animals. Some are challenged by intellect. I am challenged by strategic shopping. With few exceptions, I know what I want when I go into any store, be it a department store, big box or supermarket.
It’s a personal defeat to have to go back an aisle for something I missed. I have my moves through the store marked in my mind the same way I used to navigate Manhattan when I drove a truck in a previous life (yes, I was once a card-carrying Teamster!).
So, why, why, why, when the entire aisle is empty except for one shopper, does that lone shopper park his or her cart alongside the one merchandise display in that aisle? And when you pull up with your cart, stand there for a second, hoping they get the hint, they turn and give the look of squirrel when handed a textbook on quantum physics. A look of utter detachment.
The same look is often received from Mr. 90-Degrees. He’s the guy who walks through a store with his head cocked at a 90-degree angle from the trajectory of the cart he is pushing. Once you have fallen into his realm of influence, you have a better chance of escaping a black hole.
No matter which way you turn, he has locked onto you. Pivot left, duck right, it doesn’t matter. You may as well be opposing magnets, because he is going to smash right into you and your cart, spilling the eggs onto the flour, leaving you halfway to a cake. He just doesn’t know how to shop with a purpose! What’s the matter with people like that?
For some reason, the advertising industry seems to think there’s a free pass when it comes to making fun of men. But then I see something like the one I saw in a big box store last week.
He was drifting — as opposed to walking — through the produce aisle. He wife said, “I can’t push this car any longer!” Her husband, who apparently was not going to hear, “Thank you for shopping with us, Mr. Einstein,” while checking out, asked “Why?”
“Because I’m wearing a [expletive deleted] back brace!” she responded.
This would be a good reason to plan one’s shopping before arriving at the store.
Joe brings decades of journalism experience to the Ridge View Echo, covering everything from local school boards to the U.S. Supreme Court. A former National Law Journal editor and Columbia Law School press officer, he now enjoys telling community stories in Blairstown, where he lives with his wife, Rose, and their two dachshunds.
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
