While most people are preparing for the impending Dark Ages by stocking up on stuff like toilet paper, ammo, bacon and flour — we bought a new toaster.
Now, our new toaster is not the kind with built-in Wi-Fi and smart technology that lets you toast bread from another state. It’s just a plain, four-slice workhorse, dedicated to the task of transforming light, soft bread into dark, crispy toast — by basically scorching it. So easy, even a caveman could do it — if a caveman had bread.
So why does our new toaster require a two-volume, 18-page user manual? And it wasn’t even one of those warm and fuzzy manuals. The words “welcome” and “congratulations on your purchase” didn’t even appear until about four pages in.
Instead, there were pages of “Important Safeguards” that apparently outweighed those social niceties. A list of dos and don’ts. Well, mostly don’ts. “Do not touch hot surfaces,” with “Do not” rendered in italics, lest you not be sufficiently immersed in the importance of the statement. Why? “Because chrome surfaces become extremely hot when heated.” I didn’t need to be told that.
Actually, before we even got to that caution, I should point out the single-sheet overlay of the entire manual with the admonition “STOP!!! DO NOT RETURN THIS TO THE STORE!!!” Excuse me? “YOU HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME! DO NOT RETURN THIS TO THE STORE!!!” Who hasn’t felt just a bit violated by being spoken to in such a manner in one’s own home by a small appliance? You’re not the boss of me, Mr. Toaster!
Back to the precautions. “Do not insert fingers or metallic utensils into slots when toaster is plugged in,” emphasis again on “Do not.” I think that’s a long way of saying, “Don’t stick a knife in the toaster!” Isn’t that one of the first things we learn as little tykes, along with
“Don’t eat the yellow snow”?
Funny story: I was at an IT conference around the dawn of the internet, and as the participants ambled into the meeting hall from the breakfast buffet, somebody said to the group, “There are probably more scientists and engineers per square foot in this room right now than anywhere else. Can you really get electrocuted by sticking a knife in a toaster?” Nobody could answer definitively, so I’ve erred on the side of caution ever since.
Anyway, back once more to the precautions. One of the last warnings read “Special Note: Do not use foods that will drip coatings or fillings when heated.” Isn’t that a life skill we’ve all learned? Don’t put pizza in the toaster. Again, I didn’t need to be told that.
Then there were several chapters on the actual use of our toaster, and I was pretty impressed with this one: “Place bread in the Bread Carriage.” The Bread Carriage”? Wow! I didn’t even know those things existed, and I have one right here in my kitchen!
More pages on “Care and Cleaning” followed, with special attention given to cleaning the crumb tray frequently. I have to give them that one. I can’t remember ever availing myself of the crumb tray. I usually just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over the sink anytime I see smoke coming out of it.
A toast — to our new toaster!
Joe brings decades of journalism experience to the Ridge View Echo, covering everything from local school boards to the U.S. Supreme Court. A former National Law Journal editor and Columbia Law School press officer, he now enjoys telling community stories in Blairstown, where he lives with his wife, Rose, and their two dachshunds.
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
