It was cold last week. The kind of cold that provokes you to invent compound words, usually consisting of an adverb and an adjective, as in “It’s [insert vulgarity here] cold out!” But did this cold snap warrant such superlatives? I think so. The duration of the spell was enough to warrant historic recognition. Of course, there is always somebody who has seen more. “Why, that’s nothing! When I walked to school, the temperature was 25 below zero! Even in June!”
But I can top that. It was in Rutland, Vermont. We knew it would be cold that night, but I was more interested in why anyone would name their town “rut” land? That’s like naming your town Miseryburg or Melancholyville. (I did learn later that the town was named after the Third Duke of Rutland in England. They must have owed the Third Duke something big.)
And it was cold that night. The temperature dropped to 29 below. That’s in real degrees with none of that wind chill crap. We got to see water freeze in midair when tossed from a bucket.
Fortunately, there was no wind that night. Had there been a breeze of, say, 10 mph, it would have felt like 400 below. I saw why people left their cars running all night.
We went to a nearby diner the next morning while we let the cars warm up for two hours. I thought, “The first local sumbitch who says, ‘Why, that was nothing!’ is gonna get a really cold look from me!”
I think I had a cold stare anyway since my face was frozen. And even the Rutlanders at the diner said they’d rarely seen it that cold.
Did we feel that kind of cold here in Northwest Jersey? If the temperature was 10 below and there was a 10-mph wind, it would feel like 28 below, according to the National Weather Service. We certainly met that threshold. Or if the temperature was zero and the wind was 35, it would also feel like 28 below. So would a temperature of 5 above and a wind speed of 60 mph. But I wouldn’t know that because there’s no way I’m going outside in the winter with wind like that.
And anyway, the wind chill factor is stupid. Even though I am a weather geek, I never quite understood the point of it. How about just saying it’s 5 above and really windy? Common sense would inform us that it is going to feel colder. The same applies to the heat index at the other end of the scale. “The temperature is 95, but the humidity makes it feel like 120.” Huh?
But if the outdoor temperature can be that malleable, I propose we apply the wind chill principle to other areas of our lives. That box of Corn Flakes costs $7.99 but you only have $5? Just say, “Yeah, but the wind is 10 miles per hour, which makes $7.99 feel like $5.” Your grocer will happily adjust the price!
Maybe you are buzzing down the highway and you get pulled over. You are told you were clocked doing 90 in a 65-mph zone. “Yes, officer, but the wind is blowing at 25 mph, so my speed actually seems like 65 miles per hour.”
The officer will chuckle at your wit as he issues you a citation that will get you five points against your license and hundreds of dollars in fines. Then he adds, “That 25-mph wind makes your speeding violation feel like reckless driving, so it seems like your fines and points are doubled.”
Joe brings decades of journalism experience to the Ridge View Echo, covering everything from local school boards to the U.S. Supreme Court. A former National Law Journal editor and Columbia Law School press officer, he now enjoys telling community stories in Blairstown, where he lives with his wife, Rose, and their two dachshunds.
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
- Joe Phalon, Contributing Writerhttps://ridgeviewecho.com/author/joe-phalon-contributing-writer/
